This week’s image is hot off the presses. We had an evening session at Edinburgh Zoo last weekend. As ever we had a lovely time. Being the evening the animals were out in force. I always make a little time for the red pandas, as ever not quite as much as I’d like. The wallabies and kangaroos were a particular delight. They usually sit around people watching (I also hadn’t noticed the kangaroos before. Being small and easy to miss!)
Apparently the big attraction was the dinosaur exhibit. Honestly its something of a mystery to me. Why spend out time looking at rubber animatronics when there are live animals exhibiting all manner of strange behaviours. The human who tried to pull away the fence of the lion enclosure to reach inside for example. Also the exhibit animals are pretty cool to watch, but the humans were the weirdest.
Anyway… The zoo has an exhibition of animatronic dinosaurs at the moment. As ever, the dinosaurs themselves are well executed. Feathers put in a good showing this time, which is always a plus. My favourite thing about these exhibitions is not the headliner models, but rather the incidental ones that are posed convincingly in the undergrowth to be noticed heart-stoppingly from the corner of your eye. Like the dromaeosaur in the photo. The ranger’s talk about them was entertaining. There wasn’t much in it that I didn’t already know, however I might spend a little more time learning about dinosaurs than is strictly reasonable. No it’s not work research. I have no plans to go there any time soon. Well apart from today…
Today had been going so well. Lovely sunshine. A wander through the woods. Not remote woods. The ones in the park by my house. We’d sat in a clearing and listened to the birds. I hadn’t realised that some of the birds were listening back. I hadn’t realised that would be a problem.
Some people are surprised to learn that dinosaurs are the ancient ancestors of birds. Or rather birds are the last remnants of the dinosaur clan. If you’ve seen a cassowary or ostrich up close you’ll understand. They’re obviously dinosaurs. Only a fool would dare to claim otherwise.
This thing was no cassowary. I had no idea what it was, and had no interest in stopping to check. If I could have said anything more intelligible than “aaaaah!” I’m sure I would have claimed it was a “Runawayasfastasyoucanosaurus.”
Well, I ran. We all did. Devil take the slowest, they say. I managed to keep the kids in front of me. I guess some instincts are stronger than survival. That’s great, but survival comes a terrifyingly close second. I swear I’d never ran so fast in my life. Great words for a grave-stone. A panicked laugh burst past my lips. Not actually helpful while fleeing in terror.
My breath rasped in my lungs and the laugh turned into a cough which turned into a trip. I landed hard on the path and, because I’m an idiot, twisted to see my foe instead of getting up and running again.
The dinosaur advanced on me slowly. I suppose to see if I was up to some trick. I wish. I remember being surprised by its white furry feathers and its demonic red eyes. Its tail wagged in a cat-like staccato as it closed in for the kill.
I’ve heard critics of the Jurassic Park movies complain that velociraptors are only the size of turkeys. Well let me tell you that that’s more than big enough, thank you very much. I’ve seen turkeys and my assailant was no bigger. It was much more threatening. And pointier. Particularly around the mouth area.
It stalked me carefully. Swaying from side to side as it approached. Like it was considering exactly how to go about eating me. I scrambled desperately away. Not a considered movement, just panic. Like a prey animal should. A noise rumbled in the dinosaur’s throat. It was like bird-song in some ways. Except the words would be “Fresh meat! Fresh meat! Fresh meat!”
I don’t know what malfunctioning part of my brain managed to grab my phone to take a photo of the thing. I guess that’s what modern life trains you for. Pics or it didn’t happen! Snapshots of doom. I wish I could say my next instinct was smarter. It was dumb luck that my hand found the stick. A stout one at that.
The beast pounced at last and I swung with my full strength and then some. I caught the creature squarely on the jaw. Teeth clacking sharply on empty air harmonised with a bony crunch. It raked me with its claws as it landed on me. I screamed, not in the manly way, and kicked it off me.
Sense returned and I tried to run again. My legs didn’t work properly and all I managed was a limping stagger, supported by the stick. I risked a glance and saw the dinosaur lurch away on unsteady legs. It had had enough.
So that’s why I walk with a limp now. That’s why I always carry a stick. That’s why its a heavy one.
If you ever go walking in lowland Scotland, beware. Here be dinos!
Brandon Lim 